I have decided to change my blog title to the original "The Unbalanced Libra". It seems i have become really "unbalanced" or "unstable" these days. I know i have been like that even before my pregnancy, so i will not blame it on my changing hormones. Heck, i created and named this blog even before i got knocked up!
Despite the fact that i really do feel different these days, i am trying hard not to blame it all on my pregnancy. Nonetheless, research has proven that first time mothers tend to get more emotional, "unstable", anxious and depressed more easily. One side of me is tempted to blame my "craziness" on my pregnancy. The other side of me is fighting hard not to, cause i don't want to blame my baby for how i act.
I had a fight with K and cried again yesterday night. To cut the long story short, we argued over the whole not putting in enough effort to talk and bond with baby despite our agreement to spend at least 5-10 minutes every night talking to it. For the past 3 nights, K did not spend any more than 3 minutes talking to the baby. And mostly because he is half dead and super tired by the time he come back from work, and totally knocked out by the time we go to bed, which is the time to talk to the baby. I got upset and spoke to him about it yesterday night, and that was how the argument started. He feels we shouldn't be ruled by the 10 mins every night commitment. If he doesn't have anything to say to the baby, then so be it. But if he has something to say, he will. Besides, he has been talking to the baby, saying "Hello" when he comes back from work, "Goodnight" etc.. It's just that i don't think it is enough for him to talk for just 3 minutes to his baby out of the whole 24 hours in a day. K says he will talk more when he stops working and is less tired every night. My thinking is that this won't work, cause when we go back to Singapore, he will also be very tired from work every night. And the baby won't be born until a good couple of months later. Besides, if we can't even spend time talking to the baby for 10 minutes every day, how can we expect to talk to it and nurture it when it is born?!
Anyway, it ended when K asked me to just let him sleep cause he needs to work tomorrow. I couldn't help it, so i run into the bathroom and broke down into uncontrollable sobs. I think K didn't expect that, so he waited outside the bathroom for me. I haven't spoken to him since.
We all know that i love to seek attention. And i love it when people shower me with attention. Now that i am pregnant and feeling even more vulnerable, i need twice as much attention from the people around me. For now, the only "people around me" (who i care about) is only one pathetic soul. And that one pathetic soul is only giving me half (instead of twice) as much attention as i need.
Until now, i still can't feel the baby inside me.. Sometimes i wonder if it is still there.. I even thought of hitting my tummy, hoping that perhaps i can feel it kick back or roll around inside my stomach. I have been talking and singing to baby everyday, and i get exhausted and breathless doing that. Sometimes, i feel like an idiot, cause I don't get any response. But I need to do that to remind myself that it is there, but i can't be the only one doing it. I need someone else to talk and sing to the baby too, to help me remind myself that it is there, even though i cannot feel it. To let me know of its presence in my tummy.
I told my sister about the 2 cysts that i have in my tummy. Although the ultrasound scan says the cysts are of no clinical significance, my sis is beginning to scare me with all the talk about seeing a doctor soon to see if the cysts have grown. According to her, if the cysts are too big, the baby won't have space to grow. Maybe that's why i still can't feel anything inside me.
I feel so alone sometimes, like i'm doing this by myself. Maybe that's why I broke down again yesterday. And when i think of how it will be when i go back to Singapore, i get upset too. I won't be able to have my own baby's room, cause K still wants to rent out one bedroom in our flat. So the baby will either sleep in our bedroom, or in the study room. As it is, the study room is already very cramped. And i don't want to leave the study table and computer in the living room cause it's all wrong, and look very messy. Looks like i won't get to decorate my baby's room, something that i have very much been looking forward to. I want my baby to have his / her own room!!! Is it so difficult!! Why can't my house look normal, with a proper living room, study room and baby's room? I have been renting the stupid room for more than 2 years now, so all I want now is a little privacy with my baby when it is born, and my own little baby's room that i can decorate and go into without having a stranger lurking around in my house...
Despite the fact that i really do feel different these days, i am trying hard not to blame it all on my pregnancy. Nonetheless, research has proven that first time mothers tend to get more emotional, "unstable", anxious and depressed more easily. One side of me is tempted to blame my "craziness" on my pregnancy. The other side of me is fighting hard not to, cause i don't want to blame my baby for how i act.
I had a fight with K and cried again yesterday night. To cut the long story short, we argued over the whole not putting in enough effort to talk and bond with baby despite our agreement to spend at least 5-10 minutes every night talking to it. For the past 3 nights, K did not spend any more than 3 minutes talking to the baby. And mostly because he is half dead and super tired by the time he come back from work, and totally knocked out by the time we go to bed, which is the time to talk to the baby. I got upset and spoke to him about it yesterday night, and that was how the argument started. He feels we shouldn't be ruled by the 10 mins every night commitment. If he doesn't have anything to say to the baby, then so be it. But if he has something to say, he will. Besides, he has been talking to the baby, saying "Hello" when he comes back from work, "Goodnight" etc.. It's just that i don't think it is enough for him to talk for just 3 minutes to his baby out of the whole 24 hours in a day. K says he will talk more when he stops working and is less tired every night. My thinking is that this won't work, cause when we go back to Singapore, he will also be very tired from work every night. And the baby won't be born until a good couple of months later. Besides, if we can't even spend time talking to the baby for 10 minutes every day, how can we expect to talk to it and nurture it when it is born?!
Anyway, it ended when K asked me to just let him sleep cause he needs to work tomorrow. I couldn't help it, so i run into the bathroom and broke down into uncontrollable sobs. I think K didn't expect that, so he waited outside the bathroom for me. I haven't spoken to him since.
We all know that i love to seek attention. And i love it when people shower me with attention. Now that i am pregnant and feeling even more vulnerable, i need twice as much attention from the people around me. For now, the only "people around me" (who i care about) is only one pathetic soul. And that one pathetic soul is only giving me half (instead of twice) as much attention as i need.
Until now, i still can't feel the baby inside me.. Sometimes i wonder if it is still there.. I even thought of hitting my tummy, hoping that perhaps i can feel it kick back or roll around inside my stomach. I have been talking and singing to baby everyday, and i get exhausted and breathless doing that. Sometimes, i feel like an idiot, cause I don't get any response. But I need to do that to remind myself that it is there, but i can't be the only one doing it. I need someone else to talk and sing to the baby too, to help me remind myself that it is there, even though i cannot feel it. To let me know of its presence in my tummy.
I told my sister about the 2 cysts that i have in my tummy. Although the ultrasound scan says the cysts are of no clinical significance, my sis is beginning to scare me with all the talk about seeing a doctor soon to see if the cysts have grown. According to her, if the cysts are too big, the baby won't have space to grow. Maybe that's why i still can't feel anything inside me.
I feel so alone sometimes, like i'm doing this by myself. Maybe that's why I broke down again yesterday. And when i think of how it will be when i go back to Singapore, i get upset too. I won't be able to have my own baby's room, cause K still wants to rent out one bedroom in our flat. So the baby will either sleep in our bedroom, or in the study room. As it is, the study room is already very cramped. And i don't want to leave the study table and computer in the living room cause it's all wrong, and look very messy. Looks like i won't get to decorate my baby's room, something that i have very much been looking forward to. I want my baby to have his / her own room!!! Is it so difficult!! Why can't my house look normal, with a proper living room, study room and baby's room? I have been renting the stupid room for more than 2 years now, so all I want now is a little privacy with my baby when it is born, and my own little baby's room that i can decorate and go into without having a stranger lurking around in my house...
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July 12, 2009 at 5:44 PM
Heya babe, I hope you are feeling better by the time you see this comment. *Hugs hugs hugs*
If K is more alert in the mornings, have him talk to the baby at breakfast lor. No need to be so fastidious lah. Include the baby in your conversation. The more you bring baby up, the more natural it would be to talk to him/her.
Might not be a bad idea to have the baby in your room. You need to wake up for feeding anyway. But you have to think about where your confinement lady is going to sleep. Plus your tenant might not be able to take the noise of a newborn babe, so even if you want to rent out, it might be hard to find renters.