I haven't been back to the office for a week now.. tomorrow will be the first time i go to the office in 7 days..
Last Tuesday was supposed to be Sports Day for me and my colleagues.. but instead of going for a game of badminton and basketball after work, i went to the office for barely an hour before i broke down in the toilet and cried for 10 minutes, packed my bags and left for home.. i just couldn't bear to be in the office for another minute. I was hurt, angry and totally disappointed.
What happened was actually nothing unusual. In fact, it was not the first time it had occurred. Then again, perhaps it is PRECISELY the fact that this has occurred too many times that i got upset. Everything probably just accumulated and exploded inside me. And it didn't help that this came at a time when i was feeling depressed..
When i reached the office in the morning, i had settled down and went around asking who was going for the badminton and basketball session after work.. i had a total of 5 people cancelling on me last minute. In the end, there were only 3 people left including me. I saw no point in that so i cancelled the whole thing.. i had people telling me they have to go and buy a fridge that night, as if that was the only night they could buy it, and that they didn't know they had to buy the fridge only at the last minute.. then i had 2 people telling me they had to travel the next morning so they didn't want to go. As if they didn't know in advance that they had to go overseas for a business trip, or what time their flights were.. and then i had one telling me he had to go celebrate his mother in law's birthday. As if his mother in law threw a last minute birthday celebration for herself and only informed him last minute.. and there were people who just told me they couldn't make it, LAST MINUTE. Of course, there was the ultimate kind, those who cannot even be bothered to inform me whether they are going AT ALL.. In fact, everytime i ask, he will give me a vague answer, and only let me know on the day itself, IF AT ALL.
I have had people cancelling on me last minute, but not so many at the same time. I was pissed off.. and totally hurt. Al was talking to me at my cubicle when this happened.. I was relating to him and telling him i didn't know why i bother to arrange all these sports sessions when nobody appreciates my efforts.. He asked me a very good question: "Then why ARE you doing it?"
Truth is, i was lonely.. not being in Sales means no meetings with colleagues in the office, no attending of training together at nice hotels.. no proximity to people i can chat easily with etc. etc. My efforts in organizing all these sports session was just a lame way of trying to bond with my colleagues, to have some fun.. in the hope that i can re-create the kind of environment i enjoyed in my previous job at the airport. Those were the days when i actually felt like i was in one big family.. when my colleagues will sneak past the boss's office so we can all go to gym together after work..
So silly old me, desperate to be a groupie, went to volunteer myself to organize these sports sessions every week. I had to book the badminton courts, making sure majority can make it on that particular day before i booked. Then on that day, chase after people to pack up and leave, then coordinate and ensure everyone has transport to go to the community center, bring extra rackets and shuttle cocks.. then when basketball came into the picture, i had to call and ensure the basketball courts were available at the community centers where we had booked the badminton courts, at the time when we will finish playing badminton. I even bothered to inform a colleague who had left the company when we were playing so he could join us if he wanted. All these for WHAT??? Nobody appreciates it, NOBODY says thank you to me.. They all just take me for granted. It was like OH, we will just have a badminton court waiting for us every week, so whether we go or don't go doesn't matter.. some of them don't even bother to buy their own rackets, it just goes to show just how committed they are. It's like they don't have a sense of committment or a sense of responsibility that they should put it in their calenders every week to go.. to think i send out invitation at least one week in advance.. And i still have people cancelling last minute with stupid excuses, or ignoring me totally. To me, it's an appointment in my calender, once i commit, i will try my best to go.. I even cancelled off my facial session to go for badminton. Not because i was the organizer so i had to go, but i felt responsible to the group and didn't think it was nice to cancel last minute on them. Yet they do it to me like nobody's business.. taking me for granted. Even though it's a weekly thing, doesn't make it any less important as any other appointment! To think i even bothered to pay for the badminton court bookings all this while with my own god-damned money! It was only recently that i started collecting money from all of them. Which i totally regreted. Cause now i have to continue to book until the money is used up.. I am so tempted to just stop all these and return them the balance funds! What's the point of doing all these for a bunch of inconsiderate people?! I don't see how I benefit at all from all these crap!
And you know what pisses me off as well? The fact that they hijacked my badminton with the basketball.. i mean , i enjoy playing basketball as well, but i guess i am just upset that now, everybody just seems more excited to playing basketball than badminton.. it makes me feel like they are just entertaining me so they play badminton.. but actually, they can't wait for the one hour to be over so they can hit the basketball courts. It's just the whole vibe that i am getting.. i feel they are taking me for granted, they are probably laughing at me for my desperate attempts to be close to them..
I've decided it's not worth it. After all, they will never be my real friends.. and i am getting tired trying to be friends with them; and also risk looking like i have nothing to do at work but organize badminton sessions and booking courts online. After all, they are not the only ones who are busy. I am too, so looks like it's best for me to just leave them on their own, in their own little "Sales" clique.. where there will be no Business Support analyst coming to keep bugging them on whether they will be available for the next badminton session.
Since i've collected their money, and it's not so nice to return them the money (i can't believe i am still thinking of being nice to them after how they have hurt my feelings), i shall continue making the court bookings. Whether they go or not, it's no longer any of my business, and i won't give a damn..
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