The Unbalanced Libra..

I have decided to change my blog title to the original "The Unbalanced Libra". It seems i have become really "unbalanced" or "unstable" these days. I know i have been like that even before my pregnancy, so i will not blame it on my changing hormones. Heck, i created and named this blog even before i got knocked up!

Despite the fact that i really do feel different these days, i am trying hard not to blame it all on my pregnancy. Nonetheless, research has proven that first time mothers tend to get more emotional, "unstable", anxious and depressed more easily. One side of me is tempted to blame my "craziness" on my pregnancy. The other side of me is fighting hard not to, cause i don't want to blame my baby for how i act.

I had a fight with K and cried again yesterday night. To cut the long story short, we argued over the whole not putting in enough effort to talk and bond with baby despite our agreement to spend at least 5-10 minutes every night talking to it. For the past 3 nights, K did not spend any more than 3 minutes talking to the baby. And mostly because he is half dead and super tired by the time he come back from work, and totally knocked out by the time we go to bed, which is the time to talk to the baby. I got upset and spoke to him about it yesterday night, and that was how the argument started. He feels we shouldn't be ruled by the 10 mins every night commitment. If he doesn't have anything to say to the baby, then so be it. But if he has something to say, he will. Besides, he has been talking to the baby, saying "Hello" when he comes back from work, "Goodnight" etc.. It's just that i don't think it is enough for him to talk for just 3 minutes to his baby out of the whole 24 hours in a day. K says he will talk more when he stops working and is less tired every night. My thinking is that this won't work, cause when we go back to Singapore, he will also be very tired from work every night. And the baby won't be born until a good couple of months later. Besides, if we can't even spend time talking to the baby for 10 minutes every day, how can we expect to talk to it and nurture it when it is born?!

Anyway, it ended when K asked me to just let him sleep cause he needs to work tomorrow. I couldn't help it, so i run into the bathroom and broke down into uncontrollable sobs. I think K didn't expect that, so he waited outside the bathroom for me. I haven't spoken to him since.

We all know that i love to seek attention. And i love it when people shower me with attention. Now that i am pregnant and feeling even more vulnerable, i need twice as much attention from the people around me. For now, the only "people around me" (who i care about) is only one pathetic soul. And that one pathetic soul is only giving me half (instead of twice) as much attention as i need.

Until now, i still can't feel the baby inside me.. Sometimes i wonder if it is still there.. I even thought of hitting my tummy, hoping that perhaps i can feel it kick back or roll around inside my stomach. I have been talking and singing to baby everyday, and i get exhausted and breathless doing that. Sometimes, i feel like an idiot, cause I don't get any response. But I need to do that to remind myself that it is there, but i can't be the only one doing it. I need someone else to talk and sing to the baby too, to help me remind myself that it is there, even though i cannot feel it. To let me know of its presence in my tummy.

I told my sister about the 2 cysts that i have in my tummy. Although the ultrasound scan says the cysts are of no clinical significance, my sis is beginning to scare me with all the talk about seeing a doctor soon to see if the cysts have grown. According to her, if the cysts are too big, the baby won't have space to grow. Maybe that's why i still can't feel anything inside me.

I feel so alone sometimes, like i'm doing this by myself. Maybe that's why I broke down again yesterday. And when i think of how it will be when i go back to Singapore, i get upset too. I won't be able to have my own baby's room, cause K still wants to rent out one bedroom in our flat. So the baby will either sleep in our bedroom, or in the study room. As it is, the study room is already very cramped. And i don't want to leave the study table and computer in the living room cause it's all wrong, and look very messy. Looks like i won't get to decorate my baby's room, something that i have very much been looking forward to. I want my baby to have his / her own room!!! Is it so difficult!! Why can't my house look normal, with a proper living room, study room and baby's room? I have been renting the stupid room for more than 2 years now, so all I want now is a little privacy with my baby when it is born, and my own little baby's room that i can decorate and go into without having a stranger lurking around in my house...

In the evening, i changed the bedsheets. When K came home, we drove out to get pizza for dinner. i had wanted to have pizza for lunch, but they only deliver after 4pm.. So i ended up cooking Maggi noodles instead. I just feel so tired of cooking everyday so wanted to take a break.

We waited nearly 30 mins for our Pizza, cause the people there screwed up our order the first time. Made a Large instead of a Jumbo sized pizza for us. So we got a free 1.5 litre Pepsi as a result of their mistake. That was a nice gesture i thought. = )

K and I watched another DVD while munching on our pizzas that night. We had ordered half Meat Lovers and half Satay chicken. I didn't like both. When Ah Ming and A came back, they cooked porridge and whip up some side dishes. The night before, i had wanted to cook glutinous rice. I had soaked the mushrooms in water, and then realized that i couldn't proceed because i didn't know how to cut up the whole chicken into dices, and the steamer was high on top of the kitchen cupboard and i couldn't reach it. Plus i couldn't find the garlic to fry the shrimps with. So in the end, i had to wait for Ah Ming to come back and help me. So embarrassing! = )

We all turned in early yesterday. Think everyone was tired. Yesterday was supposed to be K's last day at work, but there were a few rows of vineyards that still weren't completely pruned yet, so he has to go back to work again tomorrow. Then after that, he's all mine! K managed to find quite a lot of activities for us to do, such as going to free Jazz performances, tea by the side, family carnivals etc. We even signed up for a free public lecture on "Personality- What Your Toothpaste Says About You" this Tuesday! = )

I have a new zit on my face.. that makes a grand total of 3 now.. and it's all on my left cheek for some strange reason.. The previous 2 have already left scars on my cheek as a bad reminder that i shouldn't scratch them with my itchy fingers.. sigh..

I am alone at home again today. I spent the day listening to the new CDs that K bought, researching on fashionable maternity clothes that i like, and finding free accommodation in South Island and Wellington. So far, 2 have replied agreeing to host us in Wellington.. Good good..

As for maternity clothes, i so cannot wait to go shopping!! But all the pieces that i liked are so expensive.. here are a few maternity "looks" that i have selected.










Yesterday night halfway through mahjong, i received an sms from Jasmine that she has just delivered her 2nd daughter Jelynn.. So happy for her.. = )

I made mee sua again for lunch today.. This time it tasted slightly better because i didn't add the funny tasting fish cake, and i had minced meat.. finally!!

I am still deciding whether to have pizza for dinner tonight or make glutinuous rice..

I have been thinking whether to start a new blog page to track my pregnancy.. Still cannot decide yet.. So in the meantime, i just changed my blog title to "A Pea In The Pod", it's the name of a maternity clothes brand, but a good name nonetheless.. And I love it!!

K took a few photos of me couple of days ago. Just to track the growth of the baby / my tummy.. Here's the first side profile.. This was taken just after dinner and bath.. so my hair is super messy, and my tummy might look slightly over sized for 16 weeks.. haha..

I've been feeling quite guilty, haven't really been making the effort to talk or sing to baby these few days.. I have, however, been listening to a lot of classical music.. K bought another 3 classical music CDs yesterday, so now we have a whole collection.. = )

Then at night, I will sing some nursery rhymes to baby. My favorite nursery song now is "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round", cause i can sing and rub my tummy in all directions while I sing to the song..

2 nights ago, K and I started our first session of baby talk just before we slept. It was not a job well done. We both didn't know what to say to baby.. so K just made strange noises. to my tummy. Cause my research showed that the unborn baby respond better to low frequency sounds like the male voice, and it doesn't matter what we said, the baby only hears the sound frequency, not the actual words.. During his baby talk session, K asked baby not to drink his own urine cause it's super gross.. haha.. cause i did research on the internet, and read that at some stage before they are born, babies drink their own urine.. = )

Anyway, K was really really tired from work, so the baby talk didn't go on for very long before he was sound asleep. And yesterday, he didn't get to talk to baby too cause he went to sleep before i even felt sleepy.. Sigh.. We really gotta put in more effort!

Yesterday, Ah Ming fried kuay teow for lunch. It rained again so there was no work at the vineyards.. We had fried kuay teow and my ABC soup from the day before. We were supposed to head out after lunch, but Ah Ming and A fell asleep.. K and I was waiting in the living room, thinking that they were getting ready or something, but after half an hour, we decided to surf net and read. Then another 15 mins past, still no sound. So i went to knock on their door, and a sleepy looking Ah Ming came out. Anyway, K and I left first and met up with them later. We went to the Hastings Art Gallery, strolled around for half an hour, then went to check out the public library. Then we got a text from them and met up with them at this RSA Club to check out their buffet dinner. Unfortunately, there was no buffet spread for us to check out, so we decided to come back later.

The four of us then proceeded to the supermarket for some shopping. I bought some fresh chocolate milk, cause my mom in law had emailed to me, asking me to drink fresh milk everyday, to avoid my baby being "botak".. haha.. But i hate fresh milk, so i had to make do with chocolate milk instead.. = ) Ah Ming has been having giddy spells lately, so A drove him back to the motel first while K and I headed next to the Asian supermarket.

When we reached home, Ah Ming took a nap, and K and I continued with our DVD marathon. 30 mins later, he woke up, and we headed out again to check out he dinner buffet spread at RSA club. It was lousy food for $25 per pax so we decided to go for Thai food instead. I had above average Thai beef noodles and roti prata with satay sauce.. Not bad.

We had planned on going skiing at Taupo the next day if it rains in Hastings, but when we reached home and checked the weather forecast, it says good weather the next day, which meant there was work. Bummer.. So we ended up playing mahjong, and having kacang puteh, potato wedges, chicken nuggets and herbal jelly for snacks.. = )

K went to sleep after one round, and Ah Ming , A and I continued for another one more round before we all went to bed. No baby talk for baby that night cause both mummy and daddy are too lazy! = (

I was researching on what people say to their unborn baby, and found this forum posting by a to-be father. This is what he said to his wife's baby every night. So sweet!!

Me: Hi son/daughter, this is your Father speaking. I want you to know that we're very glad you're doing well inside this belly. Please take your time to grow, and have fun inside your little world. Your Mother & I are getting your room ready, and making sure that you'll have everything you need. Your room is coming along nicely. The crib is already in place, and we bought your bedding the other day. I'm getting back in shape in order to have lots of energy when you arrive. I want to be a good Daddy, spend lots of time with you, give you tons of love, provide you with things necessary for your development, and just be there for you. When Mommy is laying down she likes me to put the side of my head on her belly and hear what you're doing. Let's listen now.....

Baby: gurgle, swoooosh, knock, knock, gurgle, swoosh......

Me: Ok, sounds like your having a good time in there. Be nice to Mommy, and don't make her throw up to much. She likes it when you kick & play, but not to hard, ok? I know you like Science Fiction because the other day when we took you to see Star Wars you were very active! If you're a boy, I thought about naming you Luke so we could recite some lines from Episode V, but your Mother didn't like that. Ok, I have to go and do the dishes, the laundry, pick up the house, vacuum, scrub the toilets, go to the store for more of whatever Mommy is craving today, and finish painting your room. Love you!

Since my MSN conversation with WM yesterday night, I have been wondering what i should talk to my baby about, and what songs to sing to my baby. So today, I spent the whole day searching on the internet for nursery rhymes and lullabies. I also did research on baby names. Somehow, it seems there are a lot of nursery rhymes that have negative thoughts. Like "Rock A Bye Baby" talks about how the cradle (with baby inside) is on the tree, then the wind blows and the cradle falls. Then there is "Three Blind Mice", where the mice are not only blind, but they got their tails cut off by the butcher's wife. And last but not least, "Itsy Bitsy Spider", who got washed down the drain by the rain.. haha.. don't know why it's all so negative given that they are for children. = )

I was awoken by someone knocking on the day this morning. It was the landlord informing me of a fire alarm test at the motel. I cooked mee sua for lunch today, and it tasted a bit weird because of this stupid fish tofu cake that i added in. I still have one big packet left in the fridge.. Luckily, it tasted okay when i pan fried it with bee hoon. That was dinner.. I cooked fried bee hoon with mushrooms, eggs and fishcake, and ABC soup (potatoes, chicken, carrots, fish balls and corn). This time, i made enough for Ah Ming and A as well. Can't have Ah Ming cooking for us everytime! = )

After lunch, i went for a slow jog around the motel. But the slow jog turned out to brisk walk cause my back started to hurt halfway through the jog. I avoided the house with the crazy dog, but got a fright from cats instead. Once was by a cat who was just sitting on the bonnet of a car. The cat didn't move or anything, it's just that i run past many cars, and suddenly i see this thing on the car so i got a fright. Then the second time, i was doing some stretching in front of a house where there were bushes so they people inside cannot see me. Then suddenly this cat came out and sat there and stared at me.. It was a really weird looking black cat with eerie bright yellow eyes.. It looked more like a combination of a rabbit and cat, then 100% cat.

ANYWAY... the weather forecast says it's going to rain tomorrow, so most likely no work. But the bad news is, it's going to rain everywhere else 2-3 hours from here, so we won't have anywhere to go either. Looks like we will be stuck at the motel again tomorrow.. Sigh.. somehow i am beginning to see a cycle here.. If it rains and there's no work, i am stuck in the motel. But if it doesn't rain and there is work, i am also stuck at the motel. What is the f**king difference??!

Oh well, i guess i better turn in early today, going to sing to my baby some positive nursery rhymes like "Mary Had A Little Lamb" and "You Are My Sunshine"..

It rained (AGAIN!) today, so nobody went to work.. But K woke up at 6am as usual and couldn't get back to sleep after that. Think his clock is already set to auto wake up at 6am everyday. = )

I got up at 1030am, and we made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.. K's pancakes didn't turn out as well in terms of the shape. Mine were much better. But they all tasted lousy anyway. We used some kind of ready made pancake mixture that just needed water to be added before frying, so i shouldn't have expected much.

K and I had a fight again today. But i am too tired and lazy to blog about the whole story. Basically, i was bored, i wanted to go out, but K wanted to finish watching the last DVD and sleep. On the other hand, i had also planned on going through my list of things to do, and discuss with K about them, such as finding accommodation in 2 weeks time when we leave Hastings, ferry tickets to South Island, etc.. But i couldn't.. In the end, K went to sleep whilst i surfed the net and did the whole list myself. K had agreed to do it when he wakes up, but i couldn't wait then cause i had nothing to do and wanted to discuss with him now, but he wanted to sleep. Then i got hungry a few hours later.. I wanted to drive out and eat but didn't want to wake him up. I got pissed off cause i didn't like to have to depend on him to drive me out cause i don't know how to drive. It's like I am stuck in the house when he is working, but when he is not working, i am also stuck in the house cause he wants to rest, read his book or watch DVD.. So anyway, i ended up cooking porridge and two side dishes for lunch around 330pm. And that's when the fight started.. over lunch.

I also dunno what's wrong with me.. It's like my hormones are going crazy or something.. Or i am just using them as an excuse cause i know i go crazy a lot even before i got pregnant.. = )

Sigh, i feel like such an elephant these days... so clumsy, and eat so much. I got such a bad backache the day after i went jogging that i couldn't even walk properly. It's exactly like the backache i had on my first day of work at the vineyard. Terrible. I was reading my book on the sofa in the living room while everyone had gone to bed.. then i had difficulty getting up. It was so bad i had to actually struggle to stand up and get out of the sofa.. Then today, i tripped twice over stuff lying around in the living room.. Lucky never fall down.. haha..

K and I went out after lunch... K had suggested driving to Te Mata Peak to watch the sunset, then go and return the DVDs and rent more. But when we reached the Peak, there was no sun at all, much less sunset. All we saw were gloomy dark clouds that indicated it was going to rain again soon. Nonetheless, the scenery was beautiful. Just a pity that weren't more sunlight or clear skies. We drove around the town center of Havelock North where Te Mata Peak was located in, then headed back to Hastings to rent another 10 more DVDs for the week.

K told me that he will stop working next week and we can drive around to do some sightseeing and have some fun before we go South Island. And maybe next week if it rains and there is no work, we will go to Taupo with Michael and the rest of the China gang to ski / snow board / tobogan.. can't wait!!

For dinner, Ah Ming whipped up this delicious hot and slightly peppery / spicy soup he called "Chup Chye Soup".. There's salted vegetables, roasted chicken, small chilli and god knows what else he puts inside. But it was delicious.. then he grilled 2 fishes, one with oyster sauce, and one with sambal sauce. We had those with steamed white rice. Yummy as usual! And for dessert, Ah Ming cooked red bean soup.. Supposed to help replenish blood.. He had cooked that for A cause she's having her period.. So sweet right!! So i just freeload loh.. = )

I just had a chat with WM, my JC friend who just had her baby boy few months ago.. We had a video call on MSN and she was playing with her baby. Her baby boy is soo cute. and she seems so happy as a mummy. I asked her to send me photos so i can look at them everyday, and hopefully mine will be boy and equally cute..

WM asked me to talk and sing to my baby everyday.. Funny how i never considered that.. except to listen to classical music. I shall tell K that from tomorrow onwards, every night we will both talk and sing to baby for at least 10 minutes before we sleep.. I hope our combined singing won't freak baby out! = )