I had a breakdown last week. Not sure if it's postnatal depression though..
I was breastfeeding Bria and trying to change sides when she slipped and sat hard on the bed... Then for some reason, i started to cry.. I thought to myself what a lousy mother i was, can't even hold her properly, can't even bathe her properly (but now i can!), can't even differentiate her cries and soothe her... I thought about how i always think of wasting money to buy all the nice clothes and shoes and socks for her, but all she needs is my care and attention. And I can't even produce enough breast milk for her. Then still spend money on clothes when i should save for her milk powder. Everything just accumulated into a big bubble, and the bubble burst. I also thought about how my friend's husband bought her a nice present when she gave birth to their baby boy, but I didn't get anything from K.. I know I'm being very materialistic and all, cause K's a really good father and husband, and i know he loves me. But sometimes it's just very hard to control jealously you know.. I just want a little token of appreciation for carrying his baby for 10 months and going through labor!
So the next day, i told K about my breakdown.. He comforted me and told me I was NOT a lousy mother, then he sort of cursed and confessed that he bought something for me in Jakarta and had hid it under C's bed. He had intended to give it to me on Valentine's Day, so i promised him i will not look under C's bed until then. I am dying of waiting!! = )
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